I guess "nothing" really means "a lot"

I have nothing to write about.

Really. I have been banging my head all week trying to think of some cool topic that moves me enough to put into words. Notta. A couple of times an idea would pop into my head and then suddenly I’m bored with it and shrug it off. So, I have no idea where this blog is headed. 

And that might be scary.

Here’s the thing: I’ve entered into this weird-makes-no-sense “I don’t care about anything” phase and it’s about to drive me insane. I strongly believe that it is a direct result of being sugar-free for almost three weeks. No joke. It has been H.E.L.L. To my knowledge, not one ounce of sugar has entered my system since I inhaled that most beautiful Snickers Bar sitting in moms car in the airport parking lot on Thursday, January 23 at approximately 8:30pm. And not the small Snickers. The big ass one.  

Chocolate. I miss it.

As I sit here typing, I can actually taste that now-long-gone scrumdiliumptious chocolate melting in my mouth.

I went to a birthday party last week and there was homemade chocolate cake. You have NO idea how much control it took me to NOT just lick that yummy chocolate icing off the top and sides of the cake, slowly and seductively, from one side to the other, back and forth, until it was all gone. <sigh> I didn’t because I didn’t want to be a failure in my quest… and NOT because it would have truly disgusted the whole entire party.

I thought I had the most marvelous idea the other day by buying some sugar/fat free chocolate pudding. Never again. I sat on my couch and ate the whole entire freaking bowl. Consuming small portions of chocolate is something that is foreign to me. If you and I were stuck on an island and the only thing we had to eat was a box of anything chocolate... well, let me just apologize in advance. I don’t fight pretty. 

I’m even afraid to light my fudge scented candle. It might just push me over that scared-she-might-kill-people ledge. Don’t worry. I don’t own a gun. Yet.

But back to the whole “I don’t care about anything” phase that I’m going through…

I’m not sure what the deal is exactly. I just don’t care. And that bothers me. I can’t tell you how many obstacles I’ve had to run around, through or avoid these past couple of weeks. Now that I think about it, I wonder if this new phase came about after I royally screwed up at work. And I mean royally. I have a wonderful boss who graciously didn’t fault me, but he and I both know that I’m the one who screwed up. There was nothing I could do but stand there and watch the train wreck happen. God, I felt bad. Horrible. All I could do was sincerely apologize and then move on. But… apparently I didn’t?

Maybe I’m punishing myself? I love my job and have a huge sense of loyalty. And to screw up that badly just crushes me. I found a huge problem today where someone (don’t know who) accidentally messed up a whole bunch of my files on the network. And we’re talking a couple of hundred here. I now am in the process of fixing them each – one by one. A co-worker has been kind enough to lend a hand. 

I tell this story for this reason: I didn’t get mad. I didn’t yell. I didn’t accuse particular employees of sabotaging my files. Normally this would have just sent my blood pressure sky high. However, today? I just didn’t care. It’s not like I handled it in a “mature manner”… I just didn’t care. I said, “well that sure does suck” and then proceeded to waste the entire afternoon fixing it.

What’s wrong with this picture? Sheesh. Someone do something QUICK to piss me off! Maybe it’ll snap me out of it.

I’m just so fed up with so many things right now that instead of going postal, I’m doing the opposite. Maybe I’ve entered some sort of crazy self protection mode. A modern day twilight zone. I can hear Rod Serling now…

“Peacer, you're traveling through another dimension -- a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land where there is no place for logical thinking. Where you willingly place your desires and emotions on hold. You've just crossed over into... the Twilight Zone.” 

I think another issue holding back my emotions is the fact that I’m really worried about my oldest dog, Pepper. She’s 16 and isn’t doing well. I won’t go into her specifics, but it makes me incredibly sad. She’s my baby. My princess. My most loyal companion for nearly all of her sweet little Chow life. She has been my protector and confidant. Over the years she has given me great boyfriend advice – ok, technically, she’s bitten the ones she didn’t like. She has rapidly gone down hill the past 6 months and it’s tearing me up. It’s too the point that when I come home from work everyday, I stand over her tired, sleeping body on my bedroom floor waiting to see if I can see her breathing. I pray everyday that I am not forced into any decisions regarding her life and I pray that I’m not alone when I find her gone. I know this day – however it unfolds – will happen. And it will happen soon and I am not prepared. You would think that assisting her frail body up and down the front steps or helping her find her way when she blindly runs into walls or making her get up and walk when she’s slept all day, would prepare me… but it doesn’t. It makes me love her even more because she is mine. She belongs to me. Just as I have relied on her protection all these years, she now relies on me to help her find her water bowl. And that is something that I don’t want to go away. Loyalty is what loyalty does.

With all that said, please no one leave comments about what the “right thing to do” is regarding Pepper. I just can’t listen to that right now.  That is one decision I will avoid.

Ok, well now that I’ve unloaded.

At the beginning of this blog, I said I had nothing to write about. Guess I was wrong.